I learned to suppress my feelings at a very young age. Apparently, I cried easily. “You’re so damned sensitive,” was a frequent reprimand from Mom. Ouch! It didn’t take long to figure out that displaying feelings openly might not be a good thing. Over time I became proficient at suppressing my tears.

Recently I observed how my brother, Michael, learned to adapt. He’s Mr. Positive. Or, The Joker. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a wonderful man with a huge, kind heart. It’s just that he amps up the positivity and the joking when he is playing pretend. That’s how I can tell something is bothering him. He hides his feelings from everyone, including himself.

A false positive is when someone says everything is okay when in fact they are not feeling okay. I’ve done this countless of times in relationships. I would not acknowledge my fear, anger, or disappointment because I was afraid of where it might lead. Invariably that behavior only made matters worse. Rather than honestly conveying what I felt, I attacked my partner with sharp, cutting remarks that escalated the tension to a breaking point. Before long a fight ensued. It was awful.

As I worked to discipline my mind by identifying and changing my thinking, I noticed I felt differently. With direct experience there’s no denying the correlation, and that’s given me faith to continue toward my goal: eliminate unhealthy thinking. Likewise, those who practice meditation understand that quieting the mind’s activity rewards one with a feeling of calm and peace.

Byron Katie’s practice known as “The Work” is effective because she teaches people how to capture on paper what they’re thinking followed by stepping them through a series of questions. This four-question process helps individuals question the thought; correlate it with how they feel, experiment by dropping the thought, then imagine how they would feel without this thought. Anyone who has done this work cannot deny the link between thinking and feeling.

What may not be as well known or practiced, is that identifying, acknowledging, and honestly looking at our feelings can be just as effective. At the other side of a feeling is a thought. The two are inextricably linked regardless of which way you enter the equation. You may not know what you’re thinking but you certainly know how you’re feeling.

Feelings are a kind of GPS system. They let us know whether we’re happy or not. They reflect our state of being. If we’re willing, we can trace them to the thoughts occupying our mind. Then we can determine whether the thoughts lead us to our desired destination or take us off course. For me anything less than peace is a wrong turn.

Blaming someone for how we feel, or suppressing our feelings simply delays self-discovery. The thought we believe but blame on someone else isn’t identified, assessed for truth, and released. Instead, it’s reinforced and further entrenched in our minds. We blindly struggle to cope, assigning the cause of our discomfort to someone or something “out there.” “You make me feel ______.”  “I feel this way because you did (or said) ______.”  Sound familiar?

The first step out of this endless loop is to own what you’re feeling. “I feel ______.”  No one, and I mean absolutely no one, has the power to control your feelings. Something someone says or does triggers a programmed belief you are holding on to and activates your emotional reaction. Whether realized or not, this is how we live in the past. We interpret the situation based on embedded, unexamined, past experience.

So, the second step is to recognize that the source of your discomfort is your interpretation, based on a well-developed habit. The third step is to determine whether you’re willing to take responsibility, scrutinize your thinking, and break the habit.

The situation that triggered this chain of events is the opportunity you need to examine what you’re thinking and believing unconsciously. The feeling is an indication that an unconscious belief running your life is available for review. It surfaces giving you the chance to question its validity. This is where your power of decision lies: keep the thought, or let it go.

You may be wondering how to decide. How do you feel? Anything less than tranquil is a barrier to peace and requires release. Fear keeps us from looking beneath the surface. We project this fear on to something or someone else. This is how to keep it. What we’re thinking, saying, doing, and feeling aligns but not in a good way.

When we “play pretend” we’re out of integrity. Our thinking, words, actions, and feelings are inconsistent. But when we acknowledge our feelings, search our minds for thoughts running in the background, and question them, we break free of their grip. We come into alignment with truth and our feelings reflect this as do our words and actions. This is what being “in integrity” means.     

Don’t be afraid to acknowledge your feelings and let them guide you to their source. Practice consistently, with a sincere desire to unearth and release all that stands between you and peace. It’s not easy but it’s well worth it.