Last month I got married for the third time. Yup, I gone and done it. Many believe the “third time’s the charm,” presumably because we learned from prior marriages what works and what doesn’t. If this is in the cards for me, it will be because my underlying thinking, intention, and focus are radically different.
After my second divorce, getting married again was the furthest thing from my mind. My attention was on reacquainting myself with Marguerite, and being of service in a meaningful way. When I did begin to date, I found myself repeating familiar dysfunctional patterns of thinking and behaving. My willingness for honest self-inquiry, desire to learn from every situation, and commitment for a relationship that was “nothing less than amazing,” enabled me to move past prior conditioning. A previous blog, Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places, identifies how my thinking shifted.
By the time I met Keith, I was very clear on who I was and what my priorities for a relationship were. I wanted to experience what A Course in Miracles calls a “holy” relationship. The Course says that what we call love is very often predicated on a sense of lack, a “give to get” dynamic:
“For an unholy relationship is based on differences, where each one thinks the other has what he has not. They come together, each to complete himself and rob the other. They stay until they think that there is nothing left to steal, and then move on. And so they wander through a world of strangers, unlike themselves, living with their bodies perhaps under a common roof that shelters neither; in the same room and yet a world apart.”
While the language may seem extreme, and highlights something one doesn’t readily consider they do, much less admit, I found that this was certainly how I entered my previous marriages. I wanted something. I needed something. I was a separate body looking for another body to complete me and make me happy. Our differences were magnified, with no sense of a common underlying thread between us. Physically together, physically intimate, yet not connected in any real sense.
As the Course explains:
“A holy relationship starts from a different premise. Each one has looked within and seen no lack. Accepting his completion, he would extend it by joining with another, whole as himself. He sees no difference between their selves, for differences are only of the body. Therefore he looks on nothing he would take. “
Through much work, I reached a place where I fell in love with me and the life I was experiencing. I no longer had a hole I was seeking to fill. I was whole. A relationship would not define or complete me; it would enhance the love I was already feeling within myself.
I shared with Keith, early on, that my number one commitment was to my spiritual path; my desire to know myself as God created me. This meant, I explained, that a relationship was a means and not an end in itself. It was a classroom where we could learn to see ourselves, and each other, with greater love and understanding. It meant that our relationship would be in service to God, and that we would be guided by His still, small voice within us: God as our foundation, and highest vision.
Keith jumped in with both feet. Neither of us had committed ourselves in this fashion in our former marriages, and we saw the opportunity for a better way. Marrying with the best of intentions, we simply hadn’t had a framework, a unifying construct, and a shared vision that was bigger than us. For me, this came over time, as I clarified my heart’s desire, learned from my experiences, and committed myself more and more consistently to my spiritual calling.
Does this mean that life will be a bed of roses? Absolutely not! We’ve chosen a path that requires total honesty—to each other and ourselves. And vigilance. It requires holding the vision of each other’s wholeness when fear-based thinking shatters peace and harmony, our chosen measure of success. It means being motivated to deal with your shit because you value being the clearest channel for love and light for your partner above everything else.
To illustrate, I’ll share a meltdown I had during our honeymoon. We were celebrating my sixtieth birthday and my husband brought me to what he thought was the most romantic place there was. Everything could not be more perfect. And then I went down the rabbit hole. Our conversation had touched on former relationships he’d had and I went “tilt” with jealousy. I watched myself with horror, feeling helpless as words, laced with venom, spewed out of my mouth. What was I doing? What was I thinking?
Luckily, Keith did not go down the rabbit hole after me. He spoke honestly about how he was feeling and it broke the spell. Truth has a way of doing that. While feeling terribly embarrassed, because of course I should know better, (is that true?) and because I was sabotaging a perfectly beautiful evening, I resisted the temptation to feel guilty (another rabbit hole). I found the courage to examine, and discuss, what knocked me off course. I learned I still had remnants of feeling unworthy, and unlovable, and so I was doing my best to sabotage all the love I had been feeling coming my way. Old beliefs die hard–but that’s material for another blog!
Stuff will come up, but because of our joint decision for our relationship to serve a higher purpose, we’ll have a greater chance of putting aside our separate interests and experiencing the “charm” of a third marriage.
Patti England says
Dear Marguerite,
Congratulations on your marriage. I wish you much happiness and I hope you can avoid that dreaded ‘rabbit hole’ most of the time.
Marguerite LaDue says
Hi Dear Patti! Thank you for your kind words and yes I will do my best to avoid the rabbit hole! With love, Marguerite xoxo
Malvina Simon says
Next to last paragraph really hit me..good job Sweetie!
Who among us has reached Buddha state?
XXXOOO
Marguerite LaDue says
Hey Mal! Happy that my words rang true for you. And the Buddha state? One moment at a time :-)) I love you. xoxoxo
Jim Smith says
Congratulations Marguerite on your marriage. You certainly deserve the union you”ve sought, a holy union focused on what God intended you to be. Your blog message is amazingly well said and true. Read what Ephesians 5 :21-33 says in the New Testament about husbands and wives. That is God’s idea of a marriage relationship. Thanks for sharing. I’ve always known you to be nothing short of amazing. Keep on growing in your faith and love for your new husband.
Marguerite LaDue says
Jim! How lovely to receive your comment and congratulations! I’m so happy that my message resonated with you. And yes the journey is one of growing in faith and love not only for my new husband, but myself and everyone else too. I love this clarity and the endless opportunities I get to practice :-)) Love to you my friend, Marguerite xoxo
Cristin Felso says
This is so wonderful. I couldn’t relate to this journey more. Your description of the rabbit hole made me cry as this is also my challenge to not go down that familiar hole of insecurity, sabotaging myself. Thank you for this blog.
XO
Cristin
Marguerite LaDue says
Hello sweetheart. Thank you for sharing your response to my blog. It’s challenging for sure to be willing to identify and question the insane thoughts we find ourselves believing based on our past. The rabbit hole of insecurity is familiar territory for almost everyone so we’re not alone. Our journey is the same and I’m grateful to be walking it with you. I love you honey. xoxoxo
Ken Brown says
Truth be told being with Jewel is my third marriage. It is a charm and you so deserve it. Mazel Tov!! Ken
Marguerite LaDue says
Thank you Ken!!
Stef says
Hi Maguerite
Your words above??. Thank you for sharing your vulnerability, strength and honesty. Congratulations on finding the Love of your life but as important finding you. I needed what you had to say.
Stef Hugges
Marguerite LaDue says
Hey Stef!! Thank you so much for emailing. I’m glad my words touched you. I’ve been learning that it’s not easy to stay on the path of truth but it is highly rewarding in regards to the amount of peace one can experience. We find what we’re looking for so it’s important to get clear on what it is. Much love to you, Marguerite xoxo
Jeni Nichols says
Congratulations to you two! Let’s raise a toast to your marriage soon.
Marguerite LaDue says
Thanks Jeni! Yes let’s do that – I would like it very much! xoxo
Pj says
YIKES!
I just saw this this morning!
Sending love and congratulations to you both–long live Grand Trines!
Hugs,
Pj
Marguerite LaDue says
Yes long live Grand Trines!! Thanks PJ for your heartfelt words. I’ll be seeing you next week :-)) Marguerite xoxo
Michelle says
Oh this is wonderful!! And inspiring! Thank you for sharing your challenges and discoveries on this path–and how it brings up unhealed stuff that can divide or create deeper intimacy and trust. I love your (and the Course’s) model of relationship!! So insightful as I embark on this path yet again.(-;
Love, Michelle
Marguerite LaDue says
Oh Michelle happy this resonated so strongly with you my dear! Yes our “unhealed” can divide or create deeper intimacy and trust – well said! Starts with a willingness to see things differently. So happy to be traveling with you on this road…I love you my dear. xoxoxo
Matisun says
Hi Sis – words cannot explain how happy I am for you both. And I thank you, as always for your courage and honesty in sharing. Very brave. These things are coming up to be healed and though not fun, it essential to be aware and through your willingness and devotion, as you know, Spirit can tend to your beautiful heart and reveal to you your infinite worth and value, as God created you. May you know the joy and peace of total self love as you see yourself through the eyes of truth. I love you sistaface!
Marguerite LaDue says
Hey Sis! You make a very good point – difficulties, though unpleasant, are opportunities for healing by making a kinder, more loving choice. It’s never about the specific difficulty and form, it’s always about the underlying choice we’ve made – fear or love? While my pride often gets in the way and I want to be “right”, I’ve had enough experience to know the cost – my loss of peace and happiness – is no longer something I’m willing to pay. What a journey! So glad you’re on it with me. I love you! xoxoxo