For many years I was conflicted in my former marriage. I knew in my heart that something was wrong but I avoided taking a definite stand. I didn’t want to hurt my husband. I frequently hear this same concern when assisting others with relationship challenges. On the surface it appears compassionate and kind; a “higher-road” position. I’ve learned that this thinking is actually quite arrogant, irrational, unkind, and dishonest.

As I began to unravel layers of beliefs that supported my inaction, and got to the heart of the matter, I realized that I had been holding onto concepts that did not serve me and were simply not true. Here are a few:

– Being assertive and being kind are mutually exclusive. In my warped way of thinking I believed that someone else’s feelings were more important than my own. My role was to tread lightly so I didn’t ruffle any feathers; to put another’s needs before mine. Really? When the frustration and resentment of not acknowledging my feelings overwhelmed me, I would “blow up” and all kind of crap would come out of my mouth. I overcompensated and became a bully. Being kind was the last thought on my mind. To hell with that! My idea of being kind entailed a sacrifice I didn’t want to make at that moment.

The breakthrough came when I questioned what assertiveness really meant… without the shadow of “something bad” around the phrase. It simply means to communicate honestly–to myself first–what I am feeling and to state what I want and need. There is no need to defend and build a case to support why I feel the way I do, or to “rationalize” being assertive. My job is simply to acknowledge what I’m experiencing and to communicate honestly, without being attached to an outcome. I have found that when I do, I am not nervous or fearful; I’m not worried about rocking the boat or about a negative reaction. I’m simply stating what is true for me. This is empowering. It’s clean, simple, respectful, and kind—to myself and all involved. I acknowledge the 800-pound gorilla in the room and I take the necessary first step to deal with it.

– There is a winner and a loser. Someone is right and someone is wrong. The idea of a win-win is appealing yet our world is wired for competition. Learning to look for a solution that meets everyones’ needs took me time. A Course in Miracles teaches that no one wins if anyone loses. When I deny how I am feeling, I am lying to myself. Coming from dishonesty, I cannot possibly be honest with anyone else, despite telling myself it’s because I don’t want to hurt them. This is not in anyone’s best interest. How could it be? Both of us lose.

I’ve found the only way everyone wins is to completely trust and honor the still, small voice within. It’s not necessary to understand how this works. It’s enough to recognize that love extends and joins; it doesn’t reinforce separation and conflict. It may appear that truth divides and hurts, but how can I possibly know what someone else’s life path is? My honesty may be the catalyst and opportunity someone needs for making better choices, a gift of growth. It might not. But by following my heart, in spite of my mind’s resistance and outward appearances, I’m giving myself an opportunity to grow and strengthen truth and love within me, and I’m offering that opportunity to another.

Dating after my divorce helped me practice honoring myself in an assertive, kind way without making the other person wrong. There are three strategies for resolving differences. The first, very common practice, is to change the other person. Been there, done that. Without their consent and motivation, you’re waging a war you can’t win and you believe you’re doing it “for her/his own good.” How can you really know what’s best for them?

The second strategy is to change oneself. Depending on how highly you value what you’re changing, this, too,can be a non-starter. What to have for dinner is one thing, but compromising how I show up in the world is something vastly different. Compromising might have me out of alignment with my nature, core values, or both. I know the pain of this path well. Because of my self-doubts, I didn’t raise the bar high enough for the relationship I thought I could have, and so I compromised myself almost to the point of extinction.

There is a third option: no one is “wrong.” It’s acknowledging that there’s a difference that is irreconcilable. We agree that we’re simply not a match. No harm, no foul. If my five years taught me anything it was how not to settle or try to fit myself into a situation that clearly isn’t a fit.

– I can hurt another person’s feelings. When I think like this, I assume a power I don’t have. I let myself believe that I know how another will feel and that I can override how that person chooses to think and feel. If hurt, it is a direct result of his or her thinking; a story they craft based on their perception and interpretation. The cause is always our own thought process, not the projections of others.

So why do so many of us stay in unhealthy and difficult relationships? “Stinking thinking.” We’re afraid. Afraid of being alone, afraid that this is as good as it gets, afraid our hearts will steer us down the wrong path, afraid that we’re unloving, afraid of what others will think, and on and on. We don’t stop and question our thinking.

We can love and say goodbye. Following my heart, not my head, and letting it guide me is love in action, and the most loving and respectful thing I can do for another. I know everyone wins. How? Not my business. My task is to be aligned with my truth and love will take care of the rest.