I write this blog for selfish reasons; I want to learn what I teach. To teach is to demonstrate and show by doing. In the act of doing we learn and strengthen what we believe. Teaching and learning are the same: we are both teacher and student. The question is not whether we’re teaching; the question is what we are teaching. A Course in Miracles says it’s either love or fear. I want to increase my level of accountability to more consistently learn and teach love.
In the spirit of transparency and honesty, it occurred to me to write about a recent trip I took to hell. Hell is a mental state where one’s mind is anything but at peace. It is consumed with winning; it’s closed to new ideas; it’s searching for any shred of evidence to prove another wrong. Hell is arrogant, defensive, and uses repetition ad nauseam, hanging onto its position like a dog with a bone. Sound familiar? It’s hell. Maybe you’ve taken a trip or two yourself.
As enlightened as I’d like to think I am, I still go down the rabbit hole, triggered by people or events that seem to come out of nowhere, presenting themselves innocently enough. I took my trip last weekend. The most painful journeys usually involve those closest to you, the ones you swear you love but still manage to treat like crap occasionally.
I’ve recently become engaged, and in the process of joining our lives there is the business of handling finances. While I am savvy on this subject, I have tended to be overly generous in my past relationships. I know why that is: I have a fear of being dependent, not in control, and vulnerable. Money is a great prop for masking one’s low sense of value or worth, the feeling that I’m not enough. My desire this time around is to have a more healthy balance.
In the course of our discussions, I found myself defending and justifying what I’m bringing to the table. Not good. Whenever we defend or justify, we’ve waged war, and we attack only ourselves 100 percent of the time. We defend because we perceive ourselves as attacked. What we’ve really done is attack our state of peace, resulting in its utter loss. This triggered my fiancé, Keith, to do the same thing.
We tried to remain civil but it was obvious that buttons had been pushed. I watched and listened to myself with horror as nasty, ugly, unloving words spewed out of my mouth. I knew better! Enter guilt. No matter. I was fixed on my target, using all the shadows of the past to win the war I initiated.
We trudged along, going deeper down the hole. I was in enormous emotional pain and riddled with guilt. My pride, closed mind, and need to be right overrode my ability to come to my senses and ask for inner guidance. Well… the thought did come to mind, but I was so self-righteous in my temper tantrum that I ignored the impulse.
We recovered somewhat and the external storm passed but the internal one simply went on hold. Later that night, when I got into bed, I revisited the day’s events and conversation. I went over it, exhausting myself, and falling further into hell. Finally, when the pain was too great, I gave up the need to be right, to win, to prove another wrong. I wanted peace.
Instantaneous healing did not occur but I stopped gnawing on the bone. The next day my thinking shifted, as did Keith’s. We were able to talk with honesty and humility about what occurred. I was able to hear what he tried to say. Although he was talking in financial terms, I now heard what the words were masking, and what he wasn’t saying, “I have value, and I have worth.” He was mirroring my fears back to me!
This was the insight I needed. He wasn’t the problem. My stinking thinking was! Keith provided the opportunity for me to see things differently, to undo the thinking of the past and to make another choice. I couldn’t see it until I finally remembered what I truly wanted, was willing to turn within, and to trust I would receive what I needed to return to sanity, to escape the hell I put myself in. The emotional bondage of the past was broken.
By using A Course in Miracles as the framework and north star for our relationship, we’ve got a common goal and language to navigate the bumps we are sure to hit. Our relationship is a classroom to identify and release the self-imposed blocks that obscure love’s presence. A Course in Miracles gives us a unified purpose.
I did not like my trip to hell. It was hell. And while I felt helpless at the time (more like a raging bull out of control), I am grateful. The fact is I initiate these trips and I determine when they are over. I am never a helpless victim. I’m in the driver’s seat. I just need to be more willing to stop and ask for help when I find myself on the wrong road.
Marguerite LaDue
March 2017
Gary says
Wow!
Marguerite LaDue says
Yeah ain’t I something? HA!
Debra Bethany says
Oh yes, we all go there! Thanks for sharing your journey! xoxo Deb
Marguerite LaDue says
It’s quite the journey for sure! Lots of twists and turns and bumps but heck it wouldn’t be fun otherwise aye? hahaha I appreciate you writing in. Thanks Deb! xoxoxo
Lillian Meyers says
Hi, So true and the trip starts with us. I have been married for 54 years and I can tell you as long as you talk it over you will be great. We all misunderstand what things mean and we lose it in translation. Growth is always painful and it seems we need to visit hell before we can move forward. Love you and love your blog.
Cheers!
Marguerite LaDue says
Thanks for your wise words Lillian! Yes for sure it’s all about communication. First and foremost, honest communication with oneself so that you can be honest with another. It also takes a willingness to join and understand another and to aspire to love above all else.
I appreciate you reading and happy you are enjoying my insights. Love back at ya! xoxoxo
Juliette says
Truly human. Truly caring. Moving forward.
Marguerite LaDue says
Thanks Juliette. I find that I really need to strip down completely in order to move forward with clarity, understanding and love. I’ve built up so many layers to this person named “Marguerite” – time to unshackle myself! Will call soon to have lunch together. xoxoxo
Ken Brown says
Marguerite- Thank you for your words of wisdom- Ken
Marguerite LaDue says
Thanks Ken! Wisdom comes from experience and a sincere desire to love. I bet you’ve got lots of examples yourself that can inspire many of us :-))
Sylvia Bertram says
My dear friend,
Again you have struck a cord. We make our own personal hell for a variety of reasons, known only to us. I so appreciate your sharing the intimate story about your trip to and from your “hell.”
Thank you for being generous with your personal knowing.
Sylvia
Marguerite LaDue says
Hi Sylvia! Thank you so much for writing and for reading! I’m glad you could relate to my story. I’m happy to share because it really does help me and I’m thrilled when it touches someone else too – an added bonus! I appreciate your kind words and support. xoxoxo
Sky Wallace says
glad you guys got it worked out!
me being me, with an upbringing-inspired (shudder) bit of a fixation on minimizing potential sources of conflict and resentment whenever and wherever possible, I’ve successfully avoided this conundrum simply by never co-mingling funds to begin with, both making it irrelevant who brings more to the table and completely eliminating any “what are you doing with my money?” kind of issues. and while I too have been known to pay more than what could technically be termed my fair share a time or three (hooking up with a woman with a couple of young kids and an unemployed ex can do that), this was done with a sense of offering rather than obligation.
my brother and his wife are on the same plan, but in a much more anal way, with Donna calculating things to the penny as a rule. I’m a bunch more casual than that, and it always seems to work out. generally, main expenses are shared, personal choices aren’t, and I’ve never had to experience financial disagreements.
my current sweetie was initially quite perplexed by this concept – especially since, after a long career and wise money management, she has a boatload more than I do and couldn’t imagine why I wouldn’t want to get signed onto it. my response was that I’ve managed on my financial own for all these years, and she could instead set things up for her daughter, as it should be. and shortly after they moved in with me, she bought out my former partner’s interest in the house, and all has been well
Marguerite LaDue says
Sky thank you so much for your thoughtful and honest sharing. You’ve managed to traverse what typically is a rocky road for many of us with wisdom and a great sense of detachment. Kudos to you! I like how you have handled things and actually that’s the path we’re on but for some of us it takes going down a few wrong paths to discover a kinder and easier way.
I really appreciate you reading my blog and commenting when the impulse strikes. I hope to see you soon. Oh and the walnuts…divine! xoxoxo
Anne Petersen says
Thank you for sharing! So insightful and inspiring for me!
Marguerite LaDue says
Hi Anne! I’m so glad you found it insightful and inspiring. Thank you so much for letting me know. Hope to see you around town soon! xoxo
John L says
If something doesn”t feel right or uncomfortable be careful. In the long run you know the price you will pay.
Marguerite LaDue says
You are spot on John. For so many years I ignored the signs. Now as a dear friend says – “the signs tell you where you are going” I am much more attentive these days! Love to you xoxoxo
Catherine Sevenau says
Hang on tight my friend, relationship is a bumpy road!
Marguerite LaDue says
Haha for sure! But I can’t get better at them if I’m not willing to go there. And I certainly don’t want to miss all the fun. Love you Catherine xoxoox
Leila says
Wow. First comgratulations. Keith must be very special. Second I KNOW. Wanna be right or wanna be happy? This is my montra with my husband and long ago we took divorce off the table as an option to solve our problems. Choose wisely, treat kindly. If you choose wisely and treat kindly you will be happy with this special man who won your heart.
Marguerite LaDue says
Leila! Thanks for writing and sharing how you found success in your marriage. Yes it always comes down to whether we want to be right or happy. Funny how we say we want to be happy but do everything we can to be right! Love your simple guidelines of choosing wisely (oh that has been quite a learning for me!) and then treating kindly. I will keep them in mind. You’ll meet my special man before too long as we have a roadtrip in mind. I love you girlfriend. xoxoox
julianna says
Marguerite my dear friend, I have to admit I was getting a little worried as I started reading this entry (did they get into a HUGE (sorry) fight? are they no longer speaking? was the engagement called off?) but you came through in the end (like you always do!) with incredible insight, which so few of us have or are able to tap into. Thank you for sharing yet again an invaluable personal experience that transcends “just you”.
Marguerite LaDue says
Oh Julianna thank you honey. So apparently I wrote a bit of a cliffhanger – hahaha – but with a happy ending :-))You have the insight sweetheart and it just takes practice to tap into it more consistently and effectively. And I’m here to tell you it’s worth the effort each and every time.
So happy you found this blog helpful. I love you chickadee. xoxoxo
Jean Hopeman says
Your growth and boldness is revealed in this message. Thank you for the courage to share the fears, rage, guilt, second thoughts with us. You are stronger for having traveled down the path of exploring your fears and vulnerability. It takes strength and courage to be a warrior, who lets down the guarded shield to reveal the true self.
Marguerite LaDue says
Jean thank you. Your words have touched me greatly. I hope that by sharing I am encouraging others to travel down this path, fearful as it can be, to discover the truth about themselves and the true freedom and love that comes as a result. I love you my dear friend. xoxoox
Michelle says
Thank you for sharing from such a fiercely courageous and vulnerable place. It’s so dang ironic how relationships keep,holding up an annoying mirror to our unhealed stuff. UGH!
While I can appreciate how over giving can have the hidden agenda you described, was also wondering as to how much of it is simply from a place of joy and desire to share…coming from a place of “limitless abundance” that “being in love” can inspire. You know?
Thank you for your wonderful dispatches from the front lines of intimate partnership!(-;
Love, Michelle
Marguerite LaDue says
Bingo Michelle! You have hit on a very important point and a place I hope to get to more consistently. We are so programmed to think “yours” and “mine” with the backdrop of scarcity guiding our thinking. We are cautioned by well-meaning friends to “be careful” so as not to be taken advantage of. And of course there is the business of past experience to contend with. I believe that if we can get past all of these barriers we will arrive at the place of limitless abundance that we are in truth and all of the things that blocked us before will simply disappear.
Thanks my dear friend I really appreciate your inquiry and your support. I love you. xoxoxo
Keith says
Marguerite,
You’re right! The past for both of us can get in the way. Having the framework of the Course helps us to understand and give us clarity .
Keith
XXXOOO
Marguerite LaDue says
Thanks honey for being such a willing partner and walking the path with me. Hang on to your hat!! xoxoxo
Jay says
Well, it looks as though I am a bit late to the party! Given all these lovely responses, you have obviously hit another universal chord here, Marquerite. There is such strength in being vulnerable and I so appreciate your transparency. You so beautifully articulate the beauty of working together and growing our relationships THROUGH our relationshit. And hats off to dear Keith here!! He not only continually supports your writing, which we all benefit from, he allows himself to be used as a mirror as well. Not many guys would go for that! That’s a huge sign (not that you need another one 🙂 that you have, without a doubt, found your ideal partner. So happy for you both and look forward to hearing more of your M and K adventures!
Marguerite LaDue says
Jay you can’t possibly ever be late to the party! Love how you play with the word relationship – relationshit – HA!! Ain’t that the truth. Only way to get to the other side is THROUGH it as you well know. And thanks for recognizing Keith for the beautiful spirit that he is. I am blessed indeed. xoxoxo