Learning to receive has been one of my most difficult lessons. For a large part of my childhood I was vulnerable and helpless, trapped within a dysfunctional family and held hostage by the moods of an alcoholic and abusive parent. When I left the nest I vowed I would no longer be a victim: I would instead be in charge of my life and call the shots.

I became what I affectionately term an “Amazon queen”—strong, capable, independent, self-sufficient—a powerhouse of energy, ability, and control. As if on cue, an Enjoli perfume commercial launched in 1977. The advertisement presented a very misinformed image of a woman who could, “Bring home the bacon/ Fry it up in a pan/And never, ever, ever let you forget you’re a man/” Yup, Marguerite, you can do it all, have it all and be all to all. No problemo. I even wore shoulder pads, courtesy of the fashion industry at that time, for added emphasis.

A strength becomes a weakness when carried to an extreme. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being strong, capable, independent, and self-sufficient—unless of course it’s an image you’re cultivating and protecting because you’re afraid of being vulnerable, appearing needy, or incapable. I associated accepting help with all of these things.

Recently I watched a dear friend of mine inexplicably rebuff her husband’s help. She was demonstrating to me the use of new exercise equipment and her husband stepped in when it appeared she was having difficulty and might hurt herself. Later, when we discussed her reaction, she confessed that it’s important for her to maintain her independence. When I asked why, she replied, “being doted on makes me uncomfortable. I’m afraid of appearing weak. I feel exposed and vulnerable.” Her husband adores her and was simply doing what came naturally to him. Emotional wounds of the past cause us to wear suits of armor that unconsciously prevent us from receiving love in the present moment.

A couple of years ago I fell and broke my left shoulder. I’d never broken anything before and therefore could not comprehend the level of support I needed. Because I believe every life situation is an opportunity to learn, I pondered what the lesson might be. I realized rather quickly that it was about graciously receiving. While helplessly sitting by, I watched my husband rise to the occasion and attend to everything. Most humbling was having him assist me with bathing, getting dressed…even going to the bathroom.

As someone who is more comfortable helping than being helped, I discovered that my injury was a gift to both my husband and me. By involuntarily stepping back my husband stepped up. We each grew in our own ways through the experience. Rather than feeling vulnerable I felt empowered. I realized accepting help provided an opportunity for someone else to feel the satisfaction of giving. Accepting help is simply another form of giving!

I’ve grown in learning to receive but to actually ask for help requires me to completely step out of my comfort zone. I am currently involved in a financial transaction with my son. Upon closer review of the numbers, I realized I would incur a substantial tax hit if I withdrew all the funds needed for the project this year. I decided to ask my sister and brother-in-law for a loan. Easier said than done. As the “big” sister (meaning older), I’d appointed myself her caregiver. According to my story, help, particularly financial, flowed in one direction only—from me to her.

I hesitated to make the call. I knew without a doubt my sister would be happy to help. What was the problem? It was that I was shooting a hole in a carefully crafted image. I was in unchartered territory and it frightened me. I felt exposed, and weak, and yes…vulnerable. As I thought it over ­I silently admitted that financial independence helps maintain my need for control. To seek her assistance is to let down my guard and shift the balance of power. I knew this was true as it was similar to how I protected myself in my previous marriages.

With some trepidation, and a resolve to break an all-too-familiar pattern, I phoned my sister. Because I was embarrassed, I initially found myself defending and justifying my request but quickly realized I wasn’t under attack. My feelings were completely unfounded. On the other hand, my sister felt grateful that she could assist me and that she had the means to do so. I felt grateful I could ask her and slay another dragon in the process.

I love to give because I receive so much in return. What I had not understood until recently is that being on the receiving end does not make one susceptible to hurt. Rather, learning to be a gracious receiver is an effective way to remove “protective” armor and heal from past emotional wounds. By giving up my need to control, I was able to release it. By being “vulnerable,” I became invulnerable to past pain as I honestly and willingly looked at my fear, questioned its validity, and made another choice.

God extends his love for us through multiple channels. We’re His “feet on the street.” An inability to receive—whether it’s another’s kindness, a compliment, financial assistance, physical help, advice, you fill in the blank—is a wall we’ve built to keep love out. So, if you’ve been led to believe it’s better to give than to receive you may want to question that thinking.