About eight years into my journey with A Course in Miracles (ACIM), I joined a weekly study group. Previously I studied on my own, attending an occasional workshop or weekend retreat led by Ken Wapnick, ACIM’s original editor and recognized authority of its spiritual path. I prided myself on being a “purist,” resisting the multiple groups, churches, and variations of the book that began to proliferate. But—for whatever reason—I now wanted to reach out and connect with others drawn to this path.

Fortunately there was a discussion group not far from my home. With six members it was small in comparison to most. Alice, our facilitator, thoughtfully prepared each week’s curriculum. She identified and used multiple ACIM passages related to and in support of the lesson for the week to stimulate reflection, dialog, and deeper understanding. I liked the format: it differed from other groups who simply read through the text or the workbook. Alice’s dedicated efforts and careful research reinforced ACIM’s comprehensiveness, cohesion, consistency, and depth as it generated healthy, often lively discussion and debate.

Back in the day I had a rather healthy ego. I believed I was a serious Course student and, for more often than I’d like to admit, felt superior in my understanding of its concepts. I laugh as I write this blog and clearly see the hypocrisy of my thinking and behavior.

There is one lesson I’ll never forget. I believed with a stubborn certainty that I “understood” it. ACIM Workbook Lesson 185 is “I want the peace of God.” Alice presented a number of references to illustrate how we actively resist the peace of God. The Course is fundamentally about identifying the blocks we’ve placed in our minds to make us unaware of the presence of God’s love. The “I know” mind is such a block…boy oh boy did I “know”!

“Of course I want the peace of God!” I strongly asserted to Alice who was gently attempting to focus me on the point of the discussion—namely, identifying what was keeping me from experiencing it. “What else could I possibly want?” I asked in frustration. I was so blind and deaf to the message I could not see in that very moment that I was actively choosing against the very peace I claimed to want! I was choosing to be right, which is simply another self-imposed impediment to peace. Being the adult in the discourse, and the wiser of the two of us, Alice simply suggested that perhaps for the next week I observe whether I received what I desired.

I did want the peace of God…I just didn’t want it badly enough. I soon realized the peace of God was one of a long list of wants and one that wasn’t necessarily at the top of the list. And as my exchange with Alice indicated, it was clearly important to me to be right. And to be smarter than everyone else. I wanted what I thought would make me happy. I had goals for many different areas of my life: relationships, career, health, financial, and spiritual. If I struck a balance with all of them, my reasoning mind assured me, I’d be good to go.

Intellectually I wanted the peace of God. On this level I was sure I wanted that “peace that passeth understanding,” the state of being one attains only from knowing God. But what was I secretly asking for in my heart? What did I desire on this level? Where was I placing my faith and attention? As ACIM encourages “Consider but what you believe will comfort you, and bring you happiness.” Slowly, over time, I began to see the extent of my self-sabotage. I wanted and didn’t want the peace of God. I came to understand that until I could cherish the peace of God with all my heart, above all else, I would be in conflict and continue ignorantly choosing against my best interest.

How do we seek the peace of God; that rock solid, tranquil, unchanging center within ourselves?

First, search for everything that thwarts it. We can’t trust our limited understanding. Guidance doesn’t come from what we think we know—our beliefs, judgments, opinions—it comes from humbly facing the facts: “I don’t know what I don’t know.” Our unlimited internal wisdom is accessed only when we’re willing to take time to turn within, quiet the mind, ask in sincerity, and listen.  ACIM assures us, “When the wish for peace is genuine, the means for finding it is given, in a form each mind that seeks for it in honesty can understand.”

With help from our higher selves, we begin to take an honest, clear look at what desires we believe will bring us happiness. In the safety of our souls we learn to discern truth from illusion and recognize that illusion, regardless of its tempting forms and promises for happiness, will never bring us peace. With growth in discernment comes the courage to inquire, “Do I really want to trade the certainty of heaven and the peace of God for this?” Here is our choice and with it our power of decision.

ACIM teaches that when we genuinely desire to end our mental conflict we “unite our desire with the need of every heart, the call of every mind, the hope that lies beyond despair, the love attack would hide, the brotherhood that hate has sought to sever, but which still remains as God created it.”

Many years have passed since my study of workbook lesson 185 with Alice yet vigilance and practice reinforce the lesson daily. If you want the peace of God you will find it, but only after you have the humility to acknowledge it may not be so high on your list after all.