Self-initiated change takes courage. It’s far easier to maintain the status quo given the obstacles. Inertia is one of them. In 1687, Isaac Newton in his First Law of Motion famously said, “Lex I: Corpus omne perseverare in statu suo quiescendi vel movendi uniformiter in directum, nisi quatenus illud a viribus impressis cogitur statum illum mutare.”

In 2021 language that means a body at rest tends to stay at rest unless another force acts on it. That “other force” can come in the form of motivation and momentum that builds up after an honest reckoning with the mind and heart. For many, getting to the point of taking action to break the inertia is a slow and painful process.

I’m particularly sensitive to this topic of self-initiated change now, specifically regarding relationships. People dear to me are ending long-standing relationships. The endings don’t come as a surprise; in fact, from my perspective they’re long overdue. It’s the slow burn of self-doubt and guilt I witness leading up to and accompanying these endings that hurts my heart. Hindsight, earned after a 10-year span to reflect on the experience of my own breakup, provides a glimpse of the sources of this pain.

Our hearts really do know when it’s time to move on from a relationship, but often our conditioned response is to deny what we’re feeling. Our minds kick in hoping to relieve the pain. We tell ourselves stories. Perhaps some of these are familiar:

“They will change when____.”

“It’s not so bad.”

“Maybe if I wasn’t so ____, things would be different.”

“They really don’t mean what they’re saying.”

“I haven’t given the relationship enough time.”

And my personal favorite: “I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt.”

HA! I did until I realized the one I doubted was me.

In addition to our own stories, we’ve bought into the myths of society at large. Why do we believe that relationships aren’t supposed to end? And when they do, why do we believe we’ve somehow failed? There is a natural ebb and flow to life. We are attracted to people, ideas, trends, organizations, and for a time we’re attached… until we aren’t. As we change internally—our ideas, opinions, and beliefs— we change energetically. What once felt right no longer does, so we detach. And the result is sometimes that our partners no longer resonate the way they once did.

We fail ourselves when we shut down our hearts and refuse to acknowledge pain. We fail ourselves when we resist the flow of life and live unhappily. We fail ourselves when we defend and justify how we feel rather than trusting and honoring our feelings.  

I hung onto my relationship for years because “I didn’t want to hurt him.” I sincerely believed it was very kind and loving of me. Not. It’s arrogant and it’s dishonest. For starters, I don’t have the power to hurt anyone emotionally. That hurt comes from the story they tell themselves about the situation. But more importantly, I realized I hurt myself by not honoring my truth, by not being honest with myself. And I hurt my partner by being dishonest with him. Lose-Lose. How is this good for anyone?

Change is a condition of growth. Life is a river, not a stagnant pond. Resisting change causes pain. Holding on, clinging to what we are familiar with appears safer regardless of how much we suffer. Years ago I saw a picture that really drove this point home. It was of a young child being taken from an abusive home. Despite the abuse the child cried and resisted because this little boy knew nothing else. He had no concept that life could be better. How many of us are like this child?

There is another way to consider the breakup of a relationship. A Course in Miracles (ACIM) teaches us to view life as a classroom. As with any comprehensive curriculum, there are many subjects, each with its own lessons to learn. Relationships are at the heart of ACIM’s curriculum, whether they’re brief encounters, of a more sustained nature, or lifelong. The learning goal is to see ourselves and others without judgment; to see beyond the form to the reality of their being. This takes practice—lots of it. Every relationship affords us this opportunity. ACIM explains, relationships “are not accidental,” and while they appear to end, “each has learned the most he [or she] can at the time.”

Our responsibility is to honor the calling of our heart. When we do, we honor our partner’s journey too. Honest action—ending the relationship—may be the catalyst our partner needs to advance her or his learning. The clarion call of the heart to dig deep within and find the source of strength. Breaking up is hard to do yet breaking your heart, and holding another’s heart hostage because of your indecision, is far worse. And unhealthy for both of you.

Fear of the future rears its ugly head as we build momentum for change. Suddenly our happiness is subject to our financial statement, opinions of others, not disappointing our mothers, or any number of things. We want to know exactly how this will play out. We want to control the outcome. At this point many of us—I certainly know I did countless times—stop short of taking action. We come to the edge of the precipice and can’t look into the void. We retreat only to repeat the process.

Taking the leap into an unknown future—having the courage to initiate the change yourself—is one of the hardest and most rewarding things you can do. This is true whether we’re referring to relationships, job changes, moving, or other new possibilities. The decision to move forward sets into motion a chain of events that will surprise and delight you. I promise.

The grief and guilt preventing you from seeing this now will give way to new experiences bringing opportunities for growth and learning—to say nothing of the relief you will feel at having done the right thing. This is the spice of life. We are not here to suffer through our lives. We are not here to “suck it up” or live by others’ rules for happiness. We are here to learn how to remove the obstacles we’ve placed on ourselves to living authentically, freely, and happily.

Ending a relationship requires resisting the urge to settle; questioning our stories; practicing honesty; facing our fears. It may be one of your most powerful classrooms. Once on the other side don’t be surprised if you find yourself asking, “Why did I wait so long?”