To celebrate our first wedding anniversary, my husband Keith and I went to Seattle for a romantic getaway. Given the terrific weather, we spent the early part of the day in Alki, West Seattle, a low-key beachside community, strolling hand in hand and counting our blessings. Mid-afternoon we checked into a charming boutique hotel where we toasted our milestone with fine champagne, and tearfully renewed our vows. In the evening we had an incredible dinner at an expensive, top-rated, waterfront restaurant. And then, because of my stinking thinking, I almost ruined everything.
When we got up that morning, I gave Keith the first of three cards I had purchased to express my love for him. As he opened it he said, “You got me a card? I didn’t get one for you.” I told him it didn’t matter yet secretly I didn’t believe him. He is such a romantic, I was certain he was going to surprise me later with one.
After our beachside meanderings, replete with many expressed endearments, we checked into our hotel. As we were settling in, I presented him with the second card. This set the stage for us to pop our bottle of champagne, play the music we’d chosen for our wedding, and reread the vows we wrote. Keith was just as emotional as on our wedding day. His sincerity and love touched me deeply. As I read my vows, “I promise to be vigilant in asking Love to show me the way, especially when our peace and happiness is threatened by my fear-based thinking,” I silently committed to double down and hit this out of the park in the coming year. Little did I know I would soon be given an opportunity to make good on this commitment.
After a truly magical dinner and now back at the hotel, I gave Keith the last card without yet receiving one from him. Hmmm. He did tell me when presented with the first one that he didn’t have a card for me. It was then I realized that he really didn’t have a card for me!
I went into the bathroom to privately process my feelings. All I could think was, “Wow, this is so not like Keith.” I was hurt and disappointed and felt he should know. As we prepared to go to bed, I told him what was on my mind. He explained, defensively, that he had thought about buying me one but with all the work he’d been doing around the house he had run out of time. This of course set my thoughts racing. “He didn’t have time? Obviously I’m not a priority.” “Maybe he doesn’t love me as much as I thought.” When I pressed the point he became exasperated and asked if I wanted to ruin a perfectly beautiful day.
While his words stung, they also stopped me cold. In an instant I realized my thinking was threatening our peace and happiness—something I vowed to be better at just a few hours before! A little sheepishly, and with complete sincerity, I told him that wasn’t what I wanted.
Unable to sleep, and desperately wanting peace of mind, I turned within and asked to see the situation without judgment, to release my perception so another, guided by love, could reveal itself. Not only were my vows ringing in my ears but just days before I had written in my journal that “I want to ask for help to see through Love’s eyes all the time and immediately.” Could I walk the talk?
My ego wanted to be right and to justify my position but it would come at too high a price—my loss of peace. This is painful. I’ve become increasingly sensitive to, and intolerant of, a mind at war. I needed to be completely honest with myself, to question my motive and connect the dots no matter how uncomfortable. For most, my unexamined response is normal and justifiable. After all this was our anniversary and the first one. He should have given me a card. Stop right there. Time for a should-ectomy! This thinking isn’t justifiable when you’re on a path to peace.
Whenever “should” or “supposed to” or “must” is a reason, we have set up an expectation, and expectations are disappointments waiting to happen. Why? Instead of accepting what unfolds exactly as it unfolds we’re judging based on unquestioned beliefs established over time. We set the standard. We want what we want our way. When we don’t get it we become sad, angry, disappointed, stressed, anything but loving. The focus on being right—not happy— separates us from others. It initiates a war with reality, one that will be lost 100 percent of the time.
Looking deeper, I felt compelled to question my motive for telling Keith I was hurt and disappointed. He was defensive so he must have felt attacked. Did I attack him? Being completely honest I saw that I did. I really wanted him to feel bad. Ouch! This was hard to admit yet it was true. I wanted to pile on some guilt.
Continuing my inner inquiry, I realized I’m okay that my son sometimes gives me cards and sometimes he doesn’t. Why did it bother me that Keith didn’t? The answer was clear. I obviously needed and wanted a card to prove his love for me. Why? I’m still clinging to thoughts of inadequacy, of lacking love, and looking outside for validation. Bingo! I hit the mother lode.
With that insight, instead of disappointment I felt gratitude, and an incredible flood of love for my husband. Not receiving a card was in my best interest. It gave me an opportunity to uncover and release my fear-based thinking. Reality is always kinder than our story. By focusing on a “should,” in the form of a card, I almost lost sight of all the love he showered on me that day, a reflection of the love I am. My mind returned to peace, my heart overflowed with love and I slept like a baby.
Gary says
Loved it. For all us husbands out there that have forgotten “the card” at various moments in our marriages, I thank you! 🙂
Marguerite LaDue says
Thanks Gary! For sure I was called to exonerate you all – HA! Glad to be of service :-)) xoxox
Pamela Jay says
Marquerite! You are so great at noticing your reactions and processing them AS an uncomfortable incident is unfolding. That can only happen when one has total faith that peace always returns when she commits and dares to walk through her fears in real time. The framework of CIM sure is powerful in building a strong and common framework for true, lasting and treasured relationships.
It is so easy to see how this could have started a whole pattern of more shoulds, resentment and unmet expectations had you not dared to speak what you were feeling. And any man who cries a second time while reading his hand-written wedding vows a year later, has Hallmark beat all to heck. Your marriage is sacred and inspiring. Congratulations to you both!
Marguerite LaDue says
My dear Jay, thank you.
My desire for peace has become so strong that I can no longer tolerate the discord that fear brings to my mind. I am willing to slay all the sacred cows to protect what I’ve come to know as my freedom and happiness. And I am forever grateful for A Course in Miracles for giving me the framework to uncover all the blocks I’ve created to love.
Shoulds and expectations lead us straight to hell. Our feelings are our GPS system telling us what road we’re on and give us an opportunity to course-correct – if we’re paying attention. I’m blessed to have such a sensitive man to help. And good friends such as yourself to inspire me to walk the talk.
I love you,
Marguerite
xoxoxo
Taleen Babanian says
I Love you!!!! Thank You for sharing.
Very helpful. I have been in this situation as well. It helps to self reflect, before reacting and getting sad and dissapointed.
Thanks for your inspiring story!
Xoxo
Marguerite LaDue says
Glad to be of service Taleen :-)) The journey to “know thyself” is the most exciting journey one will ever take. So happy you are on that path – hang on to your hat as it will be quite the ride! Love you and admire your courage. xoxoxo
Ken Brown says
Many thanks to you Marguerite for always realizing the truth- Ken
Marguerite LaDue says
And thank you Ken for noticing! Hopefully it inspires your own truth-seeking.
Catherine says
I love how willing you are to see your part. This piece helped me see my part where my resentment can take over. Thank you.
Marguerite LaDue says
Thank you Catherine for noticing and being willing to own your “stuff”. Yeah resentment can creep in like a fog and blind us to the light. But no more! We’re on to it. Love you xoxoxo
Beverly Hamilton says
What a great wedding anniversary gift! Marriage is a symbol of joining and a classroom for learning the lessons on how we block true Love within us. It’s not just a dance with two people because when we remove the blocks to love, it heals legends.
Thanks for sharing your journey.
Bev
Marguerite LaDue says
You’re right Beverly! I got a wonderful wedding anniversary gift! And I appreciate the reminder that I can either hold others hostage to fear or release them with me to Love’s welcoming embrace. I’m finding the latter is much more fun :-)) xoxoxo
Bruce says
This was so beautiful. It brought a tear to my eye. It resonated with me very much and sounded like the relationship I’m in now. Only not the beautiful warm happy ending.
Wishing you both much more peace happiness love and most importantly continued growth. ✌️❤️?
Marguerite LaDue says
Bruce thank you so much for reading my blog and for taking the time to write.
The “beautiful warm happy ending” comes when you can look at your thinking and resulting actions with total honesty and take full responsibility. Whenever something hurts or is hard take a look at it – question it’s validity. The right answer is always the one that feels right and is peaceful to your heart. Forget the form. Go with the feeling. Trust that. And I promise you you will experience a beautiful warm happy ending beyond your wildest dreams. xoxoxo
Katie Orcutt says
I love these beautiful essays that appear in my inbox like a little surprise! Wonderful words, very inspiring and thoughtfully written. Thank you for sharing! I feel compelled to act accordingly <3 with all the love, thank you Marguerite. Looking forward to your book 😉
Marguerite LaDue says
Katie! How wonderful to hear from you! Thank you so much for your kind words – they are so appreciated! Am happy that my experience inspires you…that inspires me!! We help each other on the path to awakening. Please send a note to my personal email marguerite.ladue@gmail.com and let me know how you are doing and what you’re doing! If you come to Seattle let me know I now live in La Conner, WA! Would love to see you.
As for my book – outline is in progress and writing to begin in ernst once these beautiful summers are over. Much love to you dear one. Stay the course and spread your light the world desperately needs you!! Marguerite xoxoxo
julianna says
I hope you’re planning on collecting all your blog entries into a book! Inspirational, insightful and scary…
Your statement about expectations is scary – how much every day do we expect? And how often are we disappointed?
Are you focusing mostly on “love” when you talk about expectations? Can your approach lead to naiveté if not all are like you or Keith? I think you know what I’m getting at!
What a lovely path you’re both traveling together, a true example to follow.
Miss you and hope to see you both out there soon.
xoxoxo
Marguerite LaDue says
Hi Julianna! Thank you for your continued support and encouragement!!
Challenging the norm and something so embedded can be scary. It’s a lonely journey and not for the faint of heart. When we have expectations we reject the present moment in favor of a future we have scripted. We don’t savor the moment and what it brings – we don’t love what is. We love what we want and how we want it. Is this love? Expectations permeate every aspect of our lives – everyday. It’s our attempt at being in control – the biggest cosmic joke there is :-))
As for being naive – no not at all. Walking this path brings self knowledge and self knowledge brings confidence and opens the door to wisdom which is where our strength and safety lies. It doesn’t matter what anyone else is like – it’s about gaining control of your thinking and not letting it spin you out of control. It’s the only thing we have control over – that’s where our power is!!
I’m blessed that Keith has come along to help me identify all those thoughts that block love. If our partnership inspires others that inspires me to stay the course.
Thank you my dear friend. I love you very much and hope to see you in WA soon so we can spoil you silly.
Marguerite
xoxox
Michelle says
What a great blog post—thank you for sharing your vulnerabilities and “inner processing.” Attachment to expectations —especially on such a special day — the ego loves this setup!
And you got your miracle…thank you for this important reminder to all of us.
PS-sorry I didn’t get you a card for your birthday! ?But plan to come visit as soon as work lightens up—will bring card, champagne, and love!
Marguerite LaDue says
Hi Michelle! If sharing my vulnerabilities and inner processing helps others then I’m doing my job :-)) I love my job!
Yes the ego will grab any chance it gets to knock you off course and always in the “best intentioned” (HA!) of ways. That’s why vigilance is necessary. And the pot of gold is the miracle – the shift in perception. Yay!
No worries about my birthday I know you love me and wish me well and that’s every day of the year – how could I “expect” more? :-)) Do hope you’ll come up this way soon and just bring your beautiful self.
Love you,
Marguerite
xoxoxo