On December 17, our youngest grandson, two-and-a-half year old Samuel, died unexpectedly in his sleep. He left behind two older brothers; devastated, utterly heartbroken parents; and scores of others who had been touched by his light. My nickname for Samuel (in addition to Sam I Am) was “cherub” because of his curly blonde hair, rosy cheeks, full red lips, and captivating blue eyes.
How do I wrap my head around this? How do I stay centered and connected to truth with my mind screaming at me?
“Sam is dead.”
“Sam is too young to die.”
“This can’t be happening.”
Fortunately, after my initial mental tantrum, I recognized once again an opportunity to turn within and ask for guidance. If life is a classroom this was one hell of a lesson.
I didn’t pray to know why or to understand. I simply prayed to see Sam’s death through the eyes of love, to find the gift that his passing surely held, to see beyond what my five senses were reporting. I am committed to seeing truly and that requires not judging the situation from my limited perspective. This is not easy, and requires tremendous self-awareness and discipline; with extra doses of faith and trust. I don’t know what I don’t know and so I ask. I wanted to represent love in this nightmare, particularly as I prepared to join my husband, Keith, and Sam’s parents, Lauren and Phillip, who were overwhelmed with grief and even guilt. Love heals broken hearts and that’s what was needed here.
I meditated on Sam, stilling the shrieking that filled my head, and let my heart reveal him to me. I felt a vibrant, loving, playful spirit. I smiled as I thought of him, and my heart expanded, filling with love. “Ahh, there you are,” I said to myself, “alive and well within me.”
As I allowed myself to connect with Samuel I realized that the most fitting way to honor his memory and the love he inspires within me is to love. Love keeps him alive, love provides meaning, love is his gift. Grief and sorrow shut him out. Fighting with reality (“He shouldn’t have died,” “he was too young to die”) is painful. I experienced this first-hand as I questioned my thoughts and connected them with how I felt.
“Sam shouldn’t have died.” Is it true? “Yes.” Can I absolutely know that that’s true? “No.” How do I feel when I think that thought? “Sad, anxious, helpless.” How do I feel without the thought? “Calm, open.”
When I fight reality, he dies over and over again in my mind and I die right along with him. The love that connects us, that I can feel by the mere thought of him—the only truth there is—lies buried under a pile of grief, guilt, and pain. Sam should have died because he did. He died his way and in his time. My acceptance or rejection of this does not change the situation; it changes how I feel and experience the situation.
As I often do, I turned to A Course in Miracles for guidance and found the following passages:
“The reality of death is firmly rooted in the belief that God’s Son is a body.” (My last blog, A Case of Mistaken Identity, addresses this fundamental confusion). “And if God created bodies, death would indeed be real. But God would not be loving. Death denies Life…(God, Love, Truth). There is either a god of fear or One of Love.”
And this:
“Teacher of God, your one assignment could be stated thus: Accept no compromise in which death plays a part. Do not believe in cruelty, nor let attack conceal the truth from you. What seems to die has been misperceived and carried to illusion. Now it becomes your task to let the illusion be carried to the truth. Be steadfast but in this; be not deceived by the “reality” of any changing form.”
Strengthened by my meditation and through contemplation on the words, I felt prepared to silently provide a calm space. My mind was clear and at peace. I no longer worried what to say; I was confident I would be told what to say and when. My job was to be fully present and open.
As I joined the family, my heart broke. I felt and saw the pain, and heard the guilt that held their minds captive. I listened and repeated silently to myself, “Help me to see this truly. Help me to see through the eyes of Love.” I felt that on a silent, invisible level love was at work and already beginning the process of healing. My work was to invite love in, not to know how or when.
Make no mistake: This was not a cakewalk. I wish I could say that I executed flawlessly. I didn’t. At times I succumbed to sadness and confusion, but I was able to hold God’s hand and ask Him to lead me so I could be a light in the darkness.
I feel blessed that I was welcomed into the broken hearts of Lauren and Phillip, and my husband, Keith. I saw so much love and compassion in them. My way was to hold the truth and trust that all things happen for us and in our best interest.
Whatever the bigger picture, I witnessed many miracles—shifts in perception—during the two weeks of my stay. His passing reconnected family members who hadn’t been together in years. It inspired tremendous generosity from Phillip’s co-workers, and perfect strangers responded to an online funding campaign to help with funeral costs. Phillip and Lauren drew closer and embraced their two other sons, Blake and Jack, with a renewed commitment. Sam’s parents began to see how blessed they were that Sam chose to spend his brief time on earth with them.
This is love in action. This is love as a connecting, generous, healing energy and God’s little cherub—now miracle worker—set it all in motion. Thank you Sam (I Am) for teaching me that if I’m willing to look for love in the darkest of images I will find it.
Gary says
Such a tragic story but your words helped.
Marguerite LaDue says
Thank you Gary. There is always a kinder, more loving perspective if we’re willing to look for it. Not always easy for sure. Marguerite xoxo
steve george says
i am sorry to hear about your loss. in the teaching of the I AM and AMMAS teaching, we are not the body but eternal spirit. i believe that is true and that his spirit is eternal.
Marguerite LaDue says
Thank you Steve. Yes spiritual teachings agree that we are not bodies. How does one integrate this into day to day living with its many challenges? How does it assist us on a very real and practical level? That’s the code I’m trying to crack. Everything points to watching what we think and believe and making the choice for love. Quite the adventure! Much love to you, Marguerite
celia canfield says
This is why all of us who know you love you so much. What you radiate is a comfort and delight for all of you. Let that light of true love always burn brightly in you dear friend!!
love
celia
Marguerite LaDue says
Oh Celia what kind words! Thank you so much for them…and remember…I’m simply a mirror – so back at ya! Much love, Marguerite xoxox
James Smith says
A wonderful perspective as hard as it is. Sam was and is much loved by family, and more importantly, GOD. Psalm 116:15, “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His holy ones.” There are none more holy — innocent and trusting — than a child. We’re also told in Paul’s letter to the
Corinthians about “faith, hope and love. The greatest of these is love.” Love covers all things. May the Lord bless and keep you in His loving care as you grieve the lost of little Sam’s temporal life. The eternal Sam awaits you in the loving arms of our eternal God.
Marguerite LaDue says
Hello Jim. Thank you so much for writing (and reading my blog!). I appreciate you sharing verses that are dear to your heart and for your comforting personal comments. Our faith and trust in God (Love, Life, Truth) is often tested yet I’m so grateful – as no doubt you are – to have a “North Star” to turn to. Much love to you my dear friend. Marguerite xoxoxo
Chris Matthies says
Sending love and prayers to you and your family. ❤️
Marguerite LaDue says
Thank you dear Chris. It’s wonderful to see and feel all the love that Samuel inspires! Love to you, Marguerite xoxo
Kathy says
Beautifully said Marguerite! You are such a blessing to Keith and his family.
Marguerite LaDue says
Hello Kathy! Thank you for your comment. I know I can say the same about you :-)) Much love, Marguerite xoxox
sandy atwood says
Very thoughtful and beautifully written.
Sandy
Marguerite LaDue says
Thank you Sandy. I’m reminded of the quote, “Seek not to change the world, rather seek to change your mind about the world.” That’s the spiritual journey :-)) Love to you, Marguerite xoxo
Juliette Andrews says
Comforting. I wish you well. Your brief stay left a mark.
Marguerite LaDue says
Hi Juliette! Thank you for your kind words. Sonoma is near and dear to my heart yet feeling called to continue my adventures in Washington now. :-)) Love to you, Marguerite xoxo
Jean M Hopeman says
Thank you for this important message based upon a tragic experience. The loss of a child is the greatest fear of a parent. The family is blessed to have you present to help them in this dark time. The loss of a beautiful young life is hard to accept and understand, knowing that memories will now be the source of Sam’s beauty, laughter and love.
Marguerite LaDue says
Hello dear Jean and thank you for writing. As with any fear -no matter how great or small – the only way past it is through it. We must look into the belly of the beast and query – is it true? And that’s how we make room for love to show us another way. I love you my friend, Marguerite xoxox
Ken Brown says
Marguerite- I pray that I will have your faith- Ken
Marguerite LaDue says
Seek and ye shall find…this path isn’t easy but it sure is worth it! Thanks for writing Ken. Marguerite
cristin Felso says
Such a perfect lesson from a beautiful cherub. Thanks for sharing.
Marguerite LaDue says
Ah a beautiful cherub Samuel is indeed! I’ve no doubt he’s continuing to work his magic wherever he is :-)) Thanks Cristin. I love you! Marguerite xoxoxo
Matisun says
Wow Sis this is incredibly beautiful. Your courage and willingness to be open to see what love would show you in this hardest of circumstances heals us all. This is a recipe for peace.
I am grateful you took Gods hand and let His love, through you, bless this beautiful family. My heart, love and prayers are with all of you.
Marguerite LaDue says
Thanks sistaface. The recipe is always the same: willingness to ask God (Love, Life, Truth) to interpret for us,to get out of our own way, to still our thinking long enough to see/hear/feel beyond our five senses. Sometimes I forget but when I do remember to ask I’m always blessed with peace and a much kinder perspective. I love you! Marguerite xoxoxo
Keith says
Thank you so much my love another one that is so lovely written
Love you
Marguerite LaDue says
Hello sweetheart! Your willingness and commitment to a path of love is so inspiring to me. I’m grateful you’ve showed up in my life to be my partner on this grand adventure. I love you to the sun and back :-)) Marguerite xoxoxo
Donna Colfer says
Thank you for sharing your deepest thoughts and feelings on one of our greatest mysteries, death. It’s so difficult to understand and accept when it’s a young innocent child. My heart is full right now and brought tears. This surely must be the hardest lesson of all. Blessings to Lauren and Phillip and the light and love between them and Sam.
Marguerite LaDue says
Dear, sweet Donna…thank you for writing such heartfelt words. I’m learning that the key to unlocking the mystery (or rather to getting out from under death’s spell) is to see it from a completely different perspective – a perspective that doesn’t come from our limited thinking. We must ask and seek this perspective from the deepest part of our very being – the truth within us. Death is life taking on another form, one in which our five senses can’t witness to but our hearts can. We simply must be willing to open up to it and the means will be given us.
Easy? No! Worth it? YES!! I love you my friend, Marguerite xoxoxo
Jo Lesniak says
Marguerite, what a beautiful writing…..what a very difficult time for everyone but your words are healing and true. Who are we to understand but to accept with love. Thank you for bringing this to light. xoxo
Marguerite LaDue says
Hi Jo! Thank you for writing. I’m happy you felt touched by my words and experience. Accepting life as it comes to us – without trying to change it, fight it, deny it, control it – is so much more peaceful. The older I get the less tolerance I have for pain and suffering, especially since realizing my thinking is the cause. We must take an honest look at and question our thinking in order to be free of it. Hope you are well dear one. Much love to you, Marguerite xoxoxo
vicky crandell says
My heart breaks for Sam’s parents and all other family members, but Margeurite you put a very healing and love filled slant on things. Very comforting for all involved. You write beautifully and love and light shines through it all.
Marguerite LaDue says
Vicky thank you so much for your kind words, they encourage me to stay the course :-)) Much love, Marguerite xoxo