Twenty years ago I read the book, “Building Your Field of Dreams,” by Mary Manin Morrissey. There are many inspired passages, but her model of the four levels of attitudinal awareness (my name for it) made a particularly strong impression.

Very simply, they are: Why Me?, By Me, Through Me, and As Me. This framework helped me think about my spiritual journey. From an ongoing and daily perspective, its clarity helps me stay on the path, motivating me to a higher state of being. I can evaluate where I’m stuck, and if willing, seize the opportunity to see things differently. It’s a great tool for navigating the bumps and curves I hit on the road.

Why Me?

As have others, I grew up in an especially dysfunctional family. My father was an alcoholic with a frightening temperament. The household was a war zone, and his abuse manifested in many physical ways. My siblings and I did our best to dodge the bullets. Chaos and a high degree of anxiety characterized my childhood years. I envied the lives of my friends; “normal” for them was something I could only dream. I felt like a victim: powerless, lacking control over my situation, unhappy. I would look up to the sky and beg God for help–making bargains in the process–yet no help came. I was on my own.

By Me

Perceiving myself as a victim with no control and abandoned by God, I promised myself that I would change when I moved out of the house after high school graduation. I wasn’t going to be at the mercy of anyone else, and apparently couldn’t depend on a “higher power” to rescue me. I became what I now fondly call the “Amazon queen.” Life would not happen to me. It was going to happen by me through sheer willpower and brute force.

I took full responsibility for my life and had what I believed to be control. I worked hard developing my personal power by reading popular books, going to seminars, and experimenting with new concepts. I planned and plotted for the people and things I thought would make me happy. My mantra was “if it’s to be, it’s up to me.” It was a period characterized by fear of failure and massive self-criticism. And it was exhausting.

Through Me

Although I spent a great deal of effort being the “amazon queen,” concurrently I worked on developing spiritually. I’d always believed in God, just not the version I was raised on. Although A Course In Miracles was teaching me to view God as an internal rather than an external power my thinking was still more of an intellectual exercise. I carried around the old belief that “God helps those who help themselves.” I was fully in my ego enjoying a self-righteously inflated sense of self. When I attempted to turn within, my agenda had a specific, desired outcome. I knew what the problem was and I knew what the answer was supposed to be. I prayed for God to do my bidding…through me. I firmly held onto control, enlisting God as a co-pilot. I asked, but I wasn’t listening. My mind was closed to anything but my answer. Needless to say I got nowhere fast.

Contemplating the message in Building Your Field of Dreams helped me recognize what I was doing. Over the years, and by taking A Course in Miracles to heart, I’ve come to understand through me means to ask, listen and trust –with no agenda. The positive results have convinced me that I am simply an instrument through which God presents Himself and demonstrates His love in the world.

No Me

The fourth stage “As Me,” while close, doesn’t quite articulate what it is I’m ultimately working toward. “No Me” is closer to how I feel, so I prefer this phrase. My spiritual path has taken me from feeling powerless to recognizing and accessing the Divine Power within me more and more consistently, regardless of the situation. Living in the world in a more harmonious and peaceful manner is a step in the right direction, but as The Course explains, not the final one. Waking up to the truth–dropping every false concept and belief I hold–is. The big kahuna, the belief I cherish and cling to, is that I am a body with an identity separate and apart from God. To truly surrender, to “let go and let God,” isn’t only referring to everything “out there.” It’s recognizing that there is no “me” as a separate entity. The “me” I think I am is an aspect of the one power behind all that is or ever will be.

Heady stuff for sure. A Course in Miracles doesn’t attempt to teach us this final step; it can’t be taught, only known. That knowledge, the remembrance of the divine self, will come without our effort once we clear our minds of every untrue thought.

This model is effective on a daily basis because with each difficult situation (which translates to “anytime I lose my peace”) I can assess whether my attitude is one of victim, “amazon queen” or pilot. If willing, I can choose to step aside and ask God to fly the plane knowing full well He’s leading me safely to my final destination, where I’ll truly know Me.

 

 

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