“Mom, I have rats.”

“Oh no! Tell the landlord you can’t move in until he gets rid of them!”

“Mom, you don’t understand. I got a rat.”

“Cat? Do you mean cat? You got a cat?”

I had no idea what my son was talking about until he texted a picture of a rat in the open palm of his hand. My initial reaction was “OMG you’ve got to be kidding!”

I heard “rats,” I saw “rat,” and my mind went “tilt.” For me a rat was fearful and definitely unwanted. I could think of nothing positive. Yet here was my son holding one.

I picked up the phone. “Talk to me. I’m clearly missing something.” Brent and I have a great relationship. I respect and admire him, so I was willing to hear what he had to say. He explained that rats make great pets. “Really?” I asked. Certainly wasn’t in my frame of reference. But I was intrigued and willing to learn more.

I hung up and searched the Internet so I could understand his perspective. Besides, if there was a valid reason for him not to have a pet rat, I wanted to be armed with the facts and not with just my strong aversion to the idea. At the same time, I challenged myself to keep an open mind. I’ve always looked for ways to connect with Brent, and this seemed like another good opportunity.

Fascinated, I read that rats are highly intelligent and affectionate, and many people agree they make an ideal pet. Okay, so I now understood intellectually that this was a possibility, but how would I act when I visited him and actually saw this large rodent, with its long skinny tail, face-to-face? “Ugh” was all I could utter to myself.

Within a few weeks, I embarked on my first trip to Brent’s new apartment. During the four-hour drive, I repeatedly told myself to stay open-minded and not freak out when I saw the rats (oh yes, he had a rat pack!). He promised to keep them in the cage for my first visit.

Doing my best to contain my fear, I managed to go to the cage, look in, and after many slow minutes actually put my finger in one of the openings so they could sniff it. I survived.

On subsequent visits, my son took them out of their cage so he could play with them. Not to be outdone, I agreed to pet one, and then hold it. I started to notice their sweet natures as I observed their interactions with my son. I came to know each of them by name, and I noted their distinct personalities.

Over time, and through direct experience, the idea of a pet rat was no longer far-fetched or fearful. I had made an emotional connection. They touched my heart. Not to mention that they were now thoroughly familiar with my nose, cheek, ears, head, arms and legs. Genuine appreciation plus intellectual understanding resulted in really looking forward to seeing them.

When one of them became sick, and died, I realized my appreciation had grown into love. How did this complete reversal of thinking and feeling come about? I note a few critical factors:

• An open mind
• A willingness to understand my son’s perspective
• A desire to strengthen our connection
• Courage to face my fears by a direct experience

An open mind allows new information to come in. As we absorb the information it becomes familiar, better understood, less fearful. Experience adds feeling to intellectual understanding; it synthesizes and anchors the new thought, and our appreciation of it more fully. At the same time, the old thought crumbles. Appreciation leads to love, as former self-imposed barriers dissolve, closing the gap of separation.

Understanding is a prerequisite for appreciation and love. It’s a formula that applies just as easily to people as it does to rats. The same critical factors came into play when I accepted a job years ago as executive director of a non-profit serving at-risk youth, and at a different time, when I took an assignment in the Middle East. Both are populations many stereotype, misunderstand, and fear. My initial views turned upside-down, gratefully, as I entered their worlds with openness.

Seems to me we can use a lot more love in the world. I found that seeking first to understand is a good place to start.